My compliments to the Virginia hospital sleep clinic and kudos to the technician who conducted the study. The attendant was efficient and kindly and I had a clean room with a double bed, a television and my own bathroom.
HOWEVER………
Following is an accurate account of the night I spent entrapped by wires that are designed to detect oxygen deprivation and other sundry unidentified maladies.
But, of course, if I could do it, you can too! And this post, although accurate, is actually an attempt to make you laugh – not to scare you off.
And so it all began. Arrival time: 9 PM
Firstly I expressed doubt about sleeping the requisite time. That resulted in a bedtime story about why people do not sleep well in strange paces.
Picture this: It is the caveman days and humans are nomadic. Every time they arrive at a new cave they are compelled to stay awake. Who knows what predators are waiting to eat them? So, staying wide-eyed when we find ourselves in new digs (even today) is a trait passed down through our DNA. A perfectly understandable tale though not particularly comforting.
Bedtime story aside, it was not yet time to bed down because we had to do the real prep work!
It took 40 minutes to attach 40,000 wires glued to head, face, neck, chest and legs, and another contraption attached to a finger (Well, maybe not 40,000 really but a huge mass)!
After hookups, some test runs, checks and rechecks I was tucked in and then visually monitored to record sleep positions!
I could not go to the bathroom without announcing the need out loud. Then the technician would magically appear and unplug the wires. That meant carrying 40,000 wires in a glob strapped over my shoulder and taking the glob into the bathroom.
While trying to wash one wireless globless hand, I got a glimpse of my face in the mirror. Perfect reflection of a science fiction monster!
O.K., Blessed sleep time. And there I lay for another hour or two, eyes wide open, hands in fists, and muscles tensed (primitive posture to deter an ancient mammoth attack).
The Turning Over Challenge. Try rolling around and dragging 40,000 wires! Barely making it to one side I stayed stiff for an hour or so until the body insisted on turning to the other side.
Oh, I forgot to mention they put a belt around my waist and another belt around my chest.
I prefer sleeping in the dark but the room was not dark even after the technician turned off the lamp and the overheads. Didn’t she know killer bears can see into a lit room?
Praying for oblivion, I finally did fall into a dreamless sleep (on one of the stiff sides) that lasted 4 hours.
And finally, at 6 AM a cheery “Good Morning!” sounded over the speaker.
All the hookups were removed with instructions on how to wash off the goo. My hair was all stuck to my head with gel stuff.
Did I look bad with all the wires attached?
That was nothing compared to the final unplugged version.
Thankfully I returned home, showered, removed goo, and slept on and off all day in a recliner.
My body was shaky and in screaming revolt.
It may still be revolting, if not screaming.
But the test was meant to determine if I stop breathing during sleep. A lack of oxygen to the organs is dangerous, and especially dangerous to the heart. I trust my doctor.
So again, please don’t let this blog post deter you from doing a Sleep Study too. Ha!
But, it you do go, please don’t tell me if you breeze right through the whole thing. It would be too embarrassing to discover I am a colossal wimp!
Virginia Views 