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Posts Tagged ‘humor’

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Baltimore, MD -The View from our room.

I am home from a Big City-BigFoot adventure and happy to be alive and well.

Baltimore is a beautiful old Maryland city, with more than enough to do if you are young, agile, and don’t mind horrific traffic in the inner city.

Strike “young.”

Strike “agile.”

As for the traffic?

A nightmare!

But we somehow got where we were going in spite of white knuckle rides and hysterical screaming at our GPS lady and maybe one or two jabs at each other (to say nothing of unacceptable language).

For solace, we turned to food.

Have you ever had Maryland crab cakes?  They are the best and of course I had to have crab at Phillips’ famous seafood restaurant.  It was just around the block from the hotel, but may as well have been on Mars.

445 Crab Cake Plattercrp1

I am back to driving challenges again!  Sigh.

 

But of course, the original purpose of our visit to Baltimore was for an appointment with an expert orthopedic doctor at The Institute for Foot and Ankle Reconstruction at Mercy.

And a wonderful doctor did spend a whole hour with us, discussing, analyzing, offering advice and answering many questions.

In a nutshell, this Gimpy Gal (me, Big Foot) simply (or maybe not) has an injured “talus” bone that may take a long time to heal.

So it was back to frolicking in Baltimore!

We frolicked over to the Whole Foods place and actually started to get lost in the garage.  But we somehow frolickedstumbled into the place and found the six loaves of decadent bread I wanted so badly!

We would surely not starve with all that in the car right?

At breakfast next morning we managed some exciting sight seeing by looking out the window next to our table (no driving required).

There was a mysterious tent-covered barge-like THING with a giant water wheel and it was parked and floating in the harbor basin, and the big water wheel seemed to turn of its own accord when and if it wanted to.

We took turns guessing what the mysterious barge might be.

And I wondered why technology wouldn’t let me take a picture and ask Google to please identify the unidentified object.  Why couldn’t I just say, “Hey Google, What is this?”

Whatever it was though,  it made for great conversation over pancakes!

Can YOU guess what it really is?

This is the unidentified floating object.

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To be continued….

 

 

 

 

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Did you think the BigFoot saga was over?   Nope.

‘Tis not the case.

Thanks to internet searching, “the Foot” found another set of experts in ankle disorders.

“Mercy me!”

That’s an old fashioned way of saying, “Really?”. 

How far is one expected to go anyway to find a proactive healing plan?”

Well, Bill and I went off to Baltimore, Maryland on a 5 hour car trip (plus a pit stop and lunch) and got a place for a few nights on the Inner Harbor!  We planned to combine serious business with some BigFoot Frolicking in the big city!

Leaving our little country home in rural  Virginia even for a few days meant the excitement was feverish.

Just think!  We had to navigate our way around  traffic and sky scrapers (we get lost in parking garages).

And although it may sound strange to some, the Number One attraction on my list was Whole Foods supermarket for the express purpose of buying 6 loaves of real bread.

Talk about frolicking!

But seriously, our ultimate destination was The Institute for Foot and Ankle Restoration at Mercy (hospital).  Their web site is beyond professional and they answer the phone in two rings and offer second opinions.  I wondered, “Can they give me a qualified opinion on how to heal?”

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Mercy Medical Center

Mercy Medical Center, Baltimore, Maryland

Be still my heart!  Look at all those big buildings!

More on BigFoot Frolicking to be continued…….

 

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“Hello, Super Market Management?  I am in your store and I am in the far end.  You know, near the chips?  I am a handicapped elderly woman (in a therapy boot) gratefully using one of your electric carts but the cart battery went dead.  Can you help me?

I cannot walk all the way back for another cart.  I need a new cart with active batteries and someone to help transfer all the groceries.  Yes, I am by the chips.  Thank you so much.  I love it that you offer this service.  It’s a very kind public gesture, but for some reason the cart batteries always go dead.

The electric carts at my grocery/big box store constantly run out of battery power.

And this usually occurs on the far side!

Getting stuck in the middle (or far end) of a gigantic store leaves a person (this person with the BigFoot) in a precariously helpless, embarrassing position, stranded in limbo with peripheral problems like being emotionally distraught.

I am STUCK! HELP!

  • The basket on this electric cart is full.
  • It will lurch forward while emitting a weak sickly beep.
  • It will never make it back to square one for a new cart.
  • That means I must WALK (Limp) back across the store (for what seems like a mile) to get another cart.
  • You may witness my staggering arrival at the cart area where there may or may not be a new cart available.
  • If I am lucky and find a cart it may have a dying battery, and there is no way to tell if it will make it back to Cart #1.
  • Hurrah!  It arrives at Cart #1 for a transfer of goods to Cart #2.
  • Finally… leave Cart #1 stranded and,
  • With aching foot and increased blood pressure, move on to finish shopping.

Results?

  • Embarrassment
  • Pain
  • Anger 
  • Frustration
  • Fear of getting stuck again.

The latter fear has taken such a hold that I can only shop on one side of the store at a time, i.e., bar soap is on the wrong side (the other side) of the store.

Soap therefore, must go on a different day’s shopping list entitled “Right Side” or “Left Side”.

I also finally devised a Diabolical Plan (feel free to try this yourself if you are either elderly, infirm, or both):

  1. Program the name of the store and it’s local phone number into your cell phone.
  2. Choose an electric cart without too much concern for dying batteries.
  3. Begin shopping and don’t worry about filling your basket. Fill it to the brim or higher! Remember, the point of this plan is to send a message to store management.
  4. Be alert and wait to get stuck ANYWHERE in the #$%2x##* blankety blank place (preferably far far from the stable of carts).
  5. Are you stuck yet? Well, if you are, then sweetly call the store from your cell phone.  Please, reserve the urge to rant!  
  6. Helplessly plead you are handicapped and need to be saved by a store employee who will have to fetch another cart.

Will pity prompt positive action?

I haven’t tried the Diabolical Plan yet.

Stay tuned.

 

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Amy and Hildegard

My friend Amy is always doing fascinating things.  She is the one who took up Contra Dancing.  And before that it was Jumpology.  She has taught piano and is a violinist, but is now taking cello lessons.  And she got a trucker’s license in order to drive preschoolers in a school bus.  And she is a marathon runner too.  There is more.

But Amy’s latest endeavor is raising chickens.

She and her sons built the perfect stable safe house for them, better known as a chicken coop.  She then bought four beautiful egg laying chickens and she gave them old fashioned names:

  • Penelope
  • Gertrude (Gertie)
  • Esther, and
  • Henrietta

And they all laid beautiful delicious eggs.  But sadly, Henrietta passed away.   They said it was from an inherited disease.  Amy was distraught, but soon went out and purchased two more cluckers:

  • Esmerelda and
  • Hildegard (Hildegard is now her favorite chicken!  She runs to greet Amy and rides on her shoulder).

Unfortunately, Amy just discovered

that Hildegard and Esmerelda are EGG EATERS!

Oh no!

This is not good.

This is a very bad thing because it teaches all the other chickens to eat eggs too.

It is a nasty habit, egg eating, and very hard to break.  But Amy is determined.

What to do.  What to do.

Amy thinks this blog post may help others of you out there who are raising chickens who turn out to be egg eaters.  After assiduous research and concentrated efforts to watch, wait and trick the ladies, things seem to be paying off.

Try these remedies:

  1. Watch, wait and grab newly laid eggs of the “good girls” ASAP.
  2. Replace real eggs in the nesting box with golf balls.  The chicken ladies will peck the hard golf balls and this will make their beaks hurt.  This is breaking a habit with negative suggestion…. like pain.
  3. Replace real eggs with Mustard Eggs!  Ever hear of that one? To make a mustard egg you blow out a real egg so only the shell is left and then insert mustard.  Chickens HATE mustard and when they peck at such an egg the taste is awful.  More negative psychology.  It would cure me of eating eggs too!

Do you have an egg eater in your family besides of the human variety?

Have you successfully convinced your chickens to stop egg eating?

Please share your remedies.

We are in search of a cure.

 

 

 

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I am a firm believer in exercise but tend to follow a more sedentary pursuit of happiness.

My gym is a recliner chair that encourages naps but requires repetitive ab crunches and push-ups to maneuver up and down for bathroom runs.

Is that enough exercise?  I wonder.

Probably not.

In an attempt to assuage guilt, I have added a challenging exercise routine.

Now do not laugh!

Did you know there are more than 50 muscles in the face?

I have been doing these new exercises for 2 whole days and swear I’m feeling the aches and pains of using all those unused muscles.

But the first step is to define problem areas whereby one is to put a mirror on a table and look down into it to determine what is sagging.

They didn’t say anything about the whole face sagging!

Eyes, cheeks, chin (double), wrinkles, upper face, middle face, between the eyes – all crinkly, wrinkly, sagging unused facial muscles!

Fortunately, I am lying face up in my recliner.

And fortunately, I can do the facial exercises in the privacy of the bathroom.

Anywhere else and  I am afraid Bill would collapse in laughter as I perform:

Exercise # 15 – Tensing the wings of my nose downward

Or

Exercise #19 – Snarling like a dog

Note the clipped pages of photos and instructions for all the different sagging areas.  Little did I know I would be clipping all the pages.

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But I swear my face looks younger in just two days!  And a friend just said, “You look good in white.”  Surely she meant, “Did you get a face lift?”

Ahhhh!  Managing a healthy lifestyle is the way to immortality.

I wonder if  I can do these facial exercises in the recliner!

Note:

The book is The Five Minute Facial Workout, by Catherine Pez

 

 

 

 

 

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It’s done!  It’s done!

And it’s the day AFTER my tooth extraction.

My new dentist is probably the best in the entire country.  He is on my Super Star list even though he does his work from an exercise ball.

Because:

  1.  There were no needles to accomplish numbness.
  2.  He was strong and reassuring and explained every step of the way.
  3.  It only took 30 minutes.
  4.  AND THERE WAS NO PAIN!!!!!!   Not during the procedure and not after and not today (the day after).

What more could anyone ask?

  • Well, you might want to have a reassuring dental assistant too.  Ruth Ann is another star in that office and is very sweet and reassuring.
  • And you might want to know if the office is efficient and knows you or remembers you.  Well, I told them once that I had an adverse reaction to epinephrine and they had that on record and didn’t use it!

The whole happy event yesterday reminds me of a (true) story.

Once upon a time I was a substitute teacher for a third grade classroom (for one day).

I had no control and the children literally went wild.  They were so loud they couldn’t hear me begging them to simmer down.

And one red headed little boy locked himself in the bathroom.  I had to call another teacher in for help.

What does this have to do with dentists you ask?  Well, I had an appointment after class.  And I was never so happy to get into a dentist chair!

I know.  My long ago story doesn’t really seem to fit this current extraction episode.  But, actually, it does because it was my first happy dentist-experience and yesterday was my second.

 

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Our Wood Stove

I know winter is an excuse to stay inside by the fireside, but I keep thinking I need to tend to things around the home periphery.  Landscapes tend to expire this time of year in Virginia.

And there are outside chores you know.

There are two ornamental grasses that should be trimmed back for happy regrowth this spring.

The Canna Lilies have all died and I should tend to them too.

The deck needs sweeping and we need a new bird feeder.  A bear mangled the one we are using now so the seeds tend to jam up.

The garage is too cluttered for my peace of mind whilst parking.  I prefer pristine organization.   Bill doesn’t seem to care though.  Never has.

There are old evergreen bushes in the front yard that are brown.  Should I terminate them now or wait to see if they revive in spring?

Oh well.  The heck with it.

There is always my chair by the fireside.

I tend to migrate there.

This post is in response to Daily Prompt: Tend  

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