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Archive for the ‘Mysteries’ Category

WonderWoman

I am Woman!

I feel superbly smug this day.

Things were freezing on my computer you know, resulting in panic. I turned the computer off, walked away and came back, opened the lid.  But Argggh!  A dark screen!

A convincing inner voice said, “You really did it now.  You wrecked the computer.   Don’t touch anything else or you are doomed.”  But wait!  I forgot to push the little  button that opens the screen.  And Voila!  It all works again and everything that was frozen is thawed!

I feel superbly smug this day.  Mystery solved.

Be Brave!

My son was counselling me on how to operate Windows 10.  “Be brave, “he said, “Be willing to try different things.  Don’t be afraid to push buttons.  You can always undo what you have done.” Without his calm and expert advice, this blog would not exist.

The last time I was brave I deleted the cache on my cell phone and managed to put it in a deep freeze of protest.    There were no calls in or out and no emails either – just a dead phone.  Thankfully, things are now restored to normal.

calmclearcache

But I have reverted to a timid, cowering techie convinced that all connections will be severed if I push the wrong buttons.

Mismatched Eyebrows

O.K.  I admit I still want to look beautiful, even at a venerable old age.  I thought that was accomplished this morning, so while Bill was out bush hogging (that means mowing big overgrown fields with a big overgrown mower) (and I knew it was safe to indulge in self fantasy), I took a few selfies.

Selfie Eyebrows

The glasses helped to eliminate soften wrinkles but if you look closely enough, one eyebrow is light and one is dark!  Arrrrgh!

Looking beautiful at a venerable old age is a challenge if you can’t see straight enough to make your eyebrows match up.

Naked Desperation

I just read a book about organizing one’s things.  Starting with clothing, the idea is to hold and touch each piece you own to determine if you love it or not.  If you FEEL something is wrong and you FEEL you don’t love a piece of clothing, either discard it or put it in the donation pile.

I did it!  You can’t imagine the liberated feeling there is to this exercise!

But now the problem is, I don’t have anything to wear!

I have always said, “My husband wouldn’t notice if I went out naked.”  Now is his chance to prove me wrong.

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Son and the grandgirls were here over the Christmas holiday.  Here they are studying something important.   Can you imagine what it is?

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Drone

 

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20160907_181640Would you believe that even men’s underclothing can be trendy and mysterious?

Parental Guidance recommended.  This is a true truly indelicate story.

Bill and I went shopping last week.

Bill purchased some great socks, a couple of T-shirts, and a package of three boxer shorts.   I complimented him on his refined taste in underdrawers.

“Good brand,” I said.

But when we got home and the new shorts were put to a test, he discovered a  serious flaw in the merchandise.

There was no fly!

“Can you imagine this?” he said.  

“Why would they ever sell boxer shorts with no fly?”

Since I try hard to solve all mysteries, I began thinking.

Thinking is supposed to be good for aging people.

  • Maybe they were shorts for sports.
  • Maybe when they called them boxers they meant the kind boxers really wear in the fighting ring.  They wouldn’t have a fly would they?  That would be somewhat risky depending upon where the knockout punch landed.
  • Men’s bathing suits don’t have a fly either, or do they?  I never really noticed.
  • Did George Washington have no-fly briefs?

    george-washington

    George Washington portrait

I tried hard to figure out the mystery but finally agreed the shorts Bill bought were flawed!

The fly/flies/flys must have been sewn shut by accident. 

I told Bill to give me the unused items and I would return them to the store and explain the manufacturer’s malfunction.

That night however, I began thinking again and mulling.  Isn’t mulling a lovely word?

And finally I thought of GOOGLE SEARCH!

And there they were – No-Fly Briefs – all over Amazon.com and everywhere else  you can think of.

They are the big “in” thing now because they are seamless if you are a man who wears tight pants.

Who knew?

But seamed or seamless, Bill will not wear them.  And by the way, he doesn’t wear tight pants either.

So goes my somewhat indelicate story of trends in modern day apparel.

And Bill is steering clear of the “no-fly zone.”

Re Comments:  

If your spouse or significant other is wearing no-fly boxer briefs, please, that is way more than I need to know.

 

 

 

 

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o-NEIGHBOURHOOD-WATCH-SIGNS-TORONTO-570There were two hummingbird feeders on our deck this week.   Now there is one.

A Dine Until Dark Curfew has been imposed on the little hummers and the one remaining feeder is taken inside when the sun goes down.

What happened?

A mystery intruder  visited and vandalized our peaceful Virginia home.

If you are interested in solving mysteries, here are the clues:

  1. A favorite old hummingbird feeder  was lying in three pieces on our deck,
  2. amid a wide swath of sticky sugar water, 
  3. replete with large animal footprints, and
  4. unidentified animal scat on the deck stairs.

“What critter (or person) could it be?”we wondered.

Bill thought it was a raccoon.  I thought a bear. Can you tell by these observations the differences in our personalities and outlooks on life?

I Googled SCAT and found some that looked like ours (NO, NOT HUMAN).  Oddly, there are actual animal “poop charts” so you can compare and identify droppings!  Somehow I find this offensive to my sensitive senses.

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Bear Scat

Anyway, that was as far as I got researching when an email came in from our immediate next door neighbors warning they had seen a mama bear and her two cubs in their back yard!

bear watch

Mystery SOLVED!  IT WAS DEFINITELY A BEAR!!!  AND A VIRGINIA BLACK BEAR WITH TWIN CUBS!!!  Well, what did I expect when we chose to live in the country – civilization?

Then a second email came  and a third.  The word is out and we have a NEIGHBORHOOD WATCH with friends sending email alerts!

  • “We saw a mama bear and two cubs in our back yard this morning.  If you think this is information that should be shared with the neighbors, would you pass it on?”  
  • “Yep! We had some work being done at our house a few weeks ago and they videoed two cubs and the mom on our property.”
  • “Also I saw them crossing the hunt road, heading up the hill into the woods between the pond and the riding ring, just like last summer. My mare has indicated their closeness to our place too. I have not viewed them there personally yet (but, she doesn’t fib).”
It is certainly comforting to know there is a Three Bears Neighborhood Watch, but having the trio on my deck borders on disconcerting!
I have a plan though.,
The trick is stay close to the front door, or the back door, or the car door.
Or if the bear gets inside – to barricade in the bathroom with my cell phone!
So much for summer walks in the woods.

 

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Pedometer 1

The final indignity that has opted me out of modern gadgetry was an old reliable pedometer that finally ran out of batteries .

And of course, no one could figure out how to open the battery box.

Maybe it was frozen in shock at how few steps I walked in the last five years.

I mourned that little pedometer and somehow knew a substitute would require a Masters’ Degree in Programming and hours of frustration to get up and running walking.

Forced to buy a new pedometer- three or four new ones  to be exact- they all challenged my intelligence.

It’s not that I’m not intelligent.  I used to be considered a bright child.

But that was in the good old days when life was simple.  There were no huge technological innovations calculated to make things easier.

Life was easy enough with Off and On switches you might have to get up for.

But I am ranting.

Even after hours of reading and re-reading I could not decipher the directions to all the new pedometers stacking up in a secret hiding place reserved for storing complicated gadgets.

Asking for help, as you may know, is humiliating.

But trying one last time, I ordered a supposedly SIMPLE  PEDOMETER that “is operational right out of the box!”

Really?

I could hardly contain my excitement when it came – a simple little drop-in-your-pocket pedometer with great big Easy Read Numbers and a little pull-tag.

I pulled the tag (according to the directions) and it was ready to go!  No intelligence required!

But where were the instructions to program calories burned, body mass indexes, breaths per minute, miles consumed, muscle contractions, levels of perspiration, or all that other irrelevant stuff?  Not there.  What a relief!

All I ever wanted to know was STEPS!

And, although I hardly believe it, this little gadget ONLY REGISTERS STEPS!

No need to purchase another 550 page book on Pedometers for Dummies (I wonder if there really is such a book)!  I already have Computers for Dummies, Windows 10 for Dummies, and Office for Dummies, plus a few more.

“By golly,” as they used to say in the good old days, when I was intelligent,  “Someone has figured out how to regress to simpler times.”  Kudos to the inventor of this precious little Steps Only Pedometer!

And  now maybe I can fool the world into thinking I have a Master’s Degree in Programming.

Why can’t everything else be this easy?

Why do I always have to pull out the directions for my self cleaning oven?

Shouldn’t I just be able to hit “Clean??

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Oh yes, there is a similarity between Cinderella and me since Big Foot got taken down to a demure size.

Ready to get back into pretty little shoes and maybe even glass slippers!

But as you know, the big shock was the diagnosis of a new foot condition (Plantar Fasciitis) with recommended arch support inserts (the downside of too much marathon running and athletic pursuits like pole vaulting).

To add to the arsenal of curative orthopedic aids, I got some Dr. Scholl’s gel heel pads too.

Trying the heel pads first, they offered a little comfort – maybe.

Then in went the doctor-provided arch supports for the next test.

“These things take up a lot of space,” I thought, because the shoes were uncomfortably tight.

But I wore the inserts anyway and grimaced my way through the day until finally it was bedtime.

Ahhhhhh!

The very first thing was to get rid of those miserably tight shoes and of course I gratefully removed the arch inserts.

And there were the Dr. Scholl’s labels!

Picture this:  Underneath the arch support things,

were the heel support things,

all stacked to create some very tight shoes!

Don’t you wonder what Prince Charming would have thought of all that mistakenly placed double padding?

This sheepish Cinderella stayed home all the next day.

Never mind prepping for the ball.

It wasn’t because she had to clean fireplace cinders, but she was googling for information about the side effects of stacking too many shoe inserts in a glass slipper.

 

 

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DeVinci quote on feet

I can hardly believe it but Big Foot is now Little Foot again!

That is cause for celebration.

Or is it?

Yes, the swelling is down.

And Yes, I no longer need the Big Boot.

But for over a week now there is a new piercing heel pain

which according to the expert Foot Man (podiatrist),

is the result of wearing the Big Boot for 3 months!

This common condition is called PLANTAR FASCIITIS.

I have graduated from Bone Marrow Edema to Plantar Fasciitis!

This can also take months to heal too and requires icing, bending, pushing, pulling,  resting, exercising, adding shoe inserts and the possibility of

sleeping with a stretching brace.

Really?

I am patient, slow to tearful demonstrations, and even slower to overt signs of anger.

I don’t mind putting my feet first (and up)  for a while.  But three months?  And then months more?!!!!!!!

Any objection to WHINING?

Dr Seuss on Lucky

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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