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Archive for the ‘Humor’ Category

ELSA Rear View

Elsa the little Dog, has been with us almost a month now.

She is learning to live in a strange environment, is eager to please, finds joy in having a home and hearth to call her own, and loves it that food is only as far away as the nearest human hand.

What more could a a little dog want?

Well, since you asked,says she,

 “I WANT THIS PLACE FOR MYSELF!

Elsa will bark to a deafening screech at strangers, cars, or unusual sounds.  She even barks at Bill as he emerges from another room.

She never barks at me however.  I am the Self Proclaimed Ruler of the Kingdom.

LET ME SLEEP PERCHANCE TO DREAM

Elsa sleeps quietly all night in her new Serta Mattress Bed for Dogs and she never leaves it until morning.

BUT she is territorial over that bed.  Don’t touch it, move it or try to sleep in it.  She is the gatekeeper.  Serta should hire Elsa for advertising purposes.

OMG THE FOOD HERE IS FIT FOR THE DOGSGODS – MORE PLEASE!

Elsa loves to eat.  We also trainbribe her with mini dog biscuits and we even heat her wet food to add flavor and aroma to her kibble.  Her appetite knows no limits.

AND LET ME RUN FREE

Bill decided to give Elsa a “ride in the car” as a treat but when he opened the door, she bolted.  What followed was a hunt for a little dog in a great big tourist resort (the Natural Bridge of Virginia).

Bill got lots of exercise chasing her up and down hills and finally, with the help of two State Park Lady Attendants, Elsa was seemingly happy to be retrieved.”

Stay tuned for more on Mighty Dog Wishes Fulfilled, by Elsa, the Little Dog Who Wanted to and Could.

 

 

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Big Feet SlippersThey say, “With age, comes shrinking”.

Gravity is the culprit and I am no exception.

I was once 5’ 4 ½”, but now measure 5’ 3” at the doctor’s office.  This explains why cabinets are higher now and the upper reaches can only be accessed by standing on tiptoe.

The truth is, I am now a shrinking woman.  This is not a huge surprise.

But did you know FEET are also affected by the creeping/creepy years

I have just learned a second truth about aging –

BIGGER FEET!

Because none of my regular shoes fit anymore (which I thought was because of the intermittent  swelling of BigFoot), I was recently fitted for new shoes.

Foot MeasurerThe measurements were taken the old fashioned way you know by an orthotics expert who used one of those metal things you stand on.

Out of curiosity I asked, “So, what size am I?”

And the answer was, “9 to 9 ½.”“WHAT?” I practically screamed. “I have always been a Size 7 ½ to 8!  Are my feet GROWING?  No, your feet are going flat.

Your arches are falling.”

This revelation required some serious mulling over.

No wonder all my shoes are too tight to put on!

The old feet are growing as the arches fall  – a ridiculous/obvious fact with annoying repercussions.

For one thing I have a nice shoe collection.

It does not compete with Imelda Marcos, but includes:

Dress shoes in different colors and heel heights, lace-up athletic shoes (even though I have not been athletic in many a year), sandals in different colors and styles, boots in all their iterations, and all the various sizes of Walmart Specials to help during the BigFoot-Boot-Cane-MRI years.

Should I throw them all out and start over?

And how much more will these feet grow?

Maybe the solution is to stay inside wearing slipper socks until the feet reach maximum growth!

Life is full of mysteries.

It is my sincere hope that these Notes from An Incredible Shrinking Woman with Big Feet will inspire you to buy shoes with “give”.  Although you may not know it, your feet are definitely growing.

 

 

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wandering-witch-off-course

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!

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ELSA 10-27-18

Elsa or the Bug Eyed Assassin

There is a new addition to my family!

Elsa is a gentle little rescue dog who was “meant to be” ours and has been with us for three days now.

But my son wants us to rename her B.E.A. – the Bug Eyed Assassin. 

I found Elsa on the same day Mackenzie, my grandgirl, brought her own dog for a visit.  Kota is beautiful, graceful, gentle, and sweet.  But Kota never stops moving.  And Kota moves FAST.

Also at home on the pup’s move-in day were Bill and our son and daughter-in-law.

It was love at first sight when my daughter-in-law and I spotted Elsa.  She (the dog, not my daughter-in-law) met all my stringent criteria and she slurped my fingers ever so gently.  So I quickly became a doggie pawrent and began mentally listing all the “things” the poor little thing would require.

Elsa shook and shivered in the car all the way home and was obviously frightened and confused about meeting a bunch of  strangers when we got there but she seemed to take it all in stride.

Then it happened.  Kota (the ever moving speed demon) kept dashing around and around and around and came whizzing by Elsa once too often.

Elsa then used her secret weapon (her evil eye) and began a campaign to stop the whirling dervish in his tracks.  You could say that sweet Elsa revealed another submerged personality that emerged as Alpha Dog B.E.A. (The Bug Eyed Assassin).

As the object of growling, and threatening shows of teeth, poor Kota actually stopped mid-stride and leaped to the safety of her mistress on a chair that was inaccessible to the short little crazed attacker.

Meanwhile The Assassin then patiently waited “on guard” for an opportunity to punctuate her message and stop the monster from any thought of advancing.

Kota n Killer Elsa

Kota Under Siege by Bug Eyed Assassin

Thereafter, if Kota thought about coming down from her safe place for a high-speed run, there was Elsa/BEA casting her “evil eye” at the twice-her-size new friend.

Laugh?  Suffice to say I couldn’t breathe from laughing.  We were all practically rolling on the floor.

It is quiet here now and the Assassin has gone back to being Sweet Little Elsa, the perfect pup.

She is 6 years old by the way, totally house trained, seems to love her two elderly new caregivers, sleeps at the foot of our bed on her Serta Sleeper Dog Mattress, and revels in tummy and ear rubs.

It must seem pretty boring here now though, with all the family gone home.

But do you suppose she misses Kota?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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20180815_144241

BigFoot was on the road again.

On the mend again.

Shrunken to a normal size.

Ahhhh!

And after nearly three years in and out of a Big Boot or hobbling around with a cane or crutches, or gliding on a knee scooter, BigFoot FINALLY started WALKING!

But wait.

There is now a BlueToe on the SkinnyFoot, thanks to a “maintenance visit” for a Podiatrist’s professional pedicure!

I always liked my podiatrist even though he frightened me occasionally with ragged pedicures.

But who am I to question the cutting techniques of an accredited podiatrist?

Note:  Old people tend to elevate doctors to godly pedestals of eternal wisdom.

On this visit the good doctor once again cut a ragged edge and managed a very jagged cut on the SkinnyFoot’s Big Toe.

And this instantly caused a blue spot at the base of the nail.

Ever so politely, I asked, “What is that?”

And the doc said, “You must have stubbed it or something fell on it.  Not to worry, it will heal in time.”

I took him at his word of course even though I knew there was no blue spot when I walked in and I had not stubbed my toe or dropped anything on it.

Old people tend to accept anything a doctor says, particularly if he is wearing a white coat!

And it was only a little blue spot after all.  It would undoubtedly heal with time.

So off I went to PT (Physical Therapy).

And the Physical Therapist immediately gasped and  asked, “Who butchered your toe?”

After hearing my story and since the entire toenail had turned a beautiful blue, she said, “Go see your family doctor ASAP!”

Metallic blue toenails are the “in” thing now.  And that’s how BigFoot’s Big Toe looked….. blue.

Hmmmm.  Do you think I should I go to a salon and get the other nine nails painted to match?

“A good thing you came in,” said my family doctor.  “Looks like a blood blister. It will probably be fine. But watch and come back if you notice red streaks going up the foot or there is swelling or fever.  Also soak the toe in salt water twice a day and apply antibacterial ointment.”

That was two weeks ago.

BigFoot’s Big Toe is still Blue.

Seems to be healing but I am afraid to wear closed toed shoes for fear of aggravating.

Will I lose the nail?  Too soon to tell.

But this much is sure:

I will lose the Podiatrist.

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dirty windshield

Would you believe I am afraid to drive through an automatic car wash?

But, last week, determined to be brave, I drove right up to the car wash place and inserted $7.00 in the order meter thing.  Then clicked the button.

A lighted sign said “Drive Ahead.”

I drove ahead, adroitly crossed the hump and put the car in neutral as instructed.

Then

  •  A new sign lit up that said,  “Back Up to Start”.
  • So I backed up and another sign said “Drive Ahead”.
  • I drove ahead and again crossed the hump and put the car in neutral.
  • And a new sign lit up.  “Back Up to Start.” 
  • And thus it went.  Drive on. Back up.  Drive on.  Back up. 

After about 6 times and concerned that the car driver behind me watching this fiasco would lose patience, I finally drove ahead and out of the place in a dirty car minus $7!

Fortunately, my son is now visiting and he went through the car wash for me – with no stop and go either!

This is a grand visit with our son and Bill and I are expecting the three grandgirls too this weekend.  Sons and granddaughters make for a wonderful family I am so proud of.  But, I am sorry daughter-in-law, Emmy could not join them here this time because daughters-in-law are wonderful people too and it would be so sweet to have everybody together.

C & Em

Daughter-in-Law and Son, Our Beautiful People

 

 

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New Foot

20180730_191726

Faraway Doctoring

I connected this week with my Long Distance Doctor about the last MRI test for BigFoot.  That makes 5 MRI’s in about 3 years!

I am in rural Virginia and the doc is in Big City Baltimore so it is an adventure story of sorts.  She recommended “Serial MRI’s” for comparison purposes.

Anyway, Dr. C called to review the last MRI which showed positive changes.  And there will be no more MRI’s unless BigFoot decides to act up again.  Hurrah!

Now I keep looking at my beautiful ultra-thin foot.  And guess what?  It matches the other one.

ankles (1)On Foot Preening

Feet are definitely not the most glamorous parts of the human body.  In fact, I think they are generally pretty ugly.  But they do a major job in carrying us around and I do admire a foot that maintains its shape and shows a prominent ankle bone.

Is it no wonder that visible feet beneath ladies’ long skirts in the olden days was considered ultra sexy and risque?

Some folks preen before a mirror.  I suppose they admire their faces.

But a mirror is not necessary for foot preening.   I can simply recline in my recliner to scrutinize lovely skinny toes and the spaces between them, a slim ankle and visible ankle bone, and rare puffiness even after a full day of activity.  I would be an enormous hit in the olden days right?

So yes, at any given moment you may see me in a reclining stupor admiring my own sockless feet.

P.T.

PT is short for Physical Therapy.  Don’t you just hate all this “Initial” talking?

To celebrate SkinnyFoot’s new possibilities I attended a PT session with a therapist here in Virginia (not Baltimore thank goodness) who worked “hands on” for a full hour!

This meant manipulated muscles and things that have never been manipulated before.  !

I told Anne-Marie, the fantastic therapist, “My ultimate goal is to wear matching shoes and be able to traverse (on foot) the local Walmart with no electric cart!”

And she said, “That is absolutely do-able.” 

Really?!  I am so happy and hopeful but realize there is weakness due to nearly three years of immobility.   Good results will take time.

Then Came The-Day-After P.T.

  • UhOh!
  • Stabbing pains in SkinnyFoot.
  • Aching thighs.
  • Back twinges.
  • Fear
  • Worry.
  • And a mad grab for an Ibuprofen.
  • Arrrrgh!

Was this a case of after-therapy muscle aches and pains or something worse?

Should I quit after only one session?

Or should I soldier on?

The Day After the Day After P.T.

Only one stabbing pain all day.

Walmart, here I come!

Wish me luck my blogger friends –  I am off and running – well, not exactly running really.  But I have two appointments for P.T. next week.

Now don’t laugh.  You never know where this will go.

Even elderly ladies like me can bounce back to teenage agility levels.  I don’t expect to run marathons or jitterbug but like I said, “You never know.”

Meanwhile, it’s back to preening and personal foot admiration.

And I trust you will join me and gaze mesmerized at the Before and After foot photos above.

 

 

 

 

 

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