I have been on a “diet” most of my life and am always shocked at how many different approaches there are to achieving a slim profile. I think my slimmest profile was probably at birth because the search for a foolproof diet has never ended.
Well imagine my delight when looking through a box of old memories I stumbled upon forgotten words of wisdom from my long-departed mother. The yellowed crackly piece of paper inspired my imagination. I had found a long lost treasure on how to lose weight.
Talk about excited!
I was so thrilled I immediately began retyping the whole thing – for you, my friends, who may also be in search of a diet with a guarantee. And I graciously accept your words of gratitude (in advance) for sharing this with you now.
A WEIGHT LOSS DIET GUARANTEED TO WORK
BECAUSE MY WISE OLD MOM ONCE TOLD ME SO:
Monday
Breakfast – Weak tea.
Lunch – One bouillon cube, half cup diluted water.
Dinner – One pigeon thigh, 3 ounces prune juice (gargle only).
Tuesday
Breakfast – Scraped crumbs of burnt toast.
Lunch – One doughnut hole without sugar, one glass dehydrated water.
Dinner – One fish egg – shad or sturgeon (minced).
Wednesday
Breakfast – Shredded egg shell skins.
Lunch – Belly button from navel orange.
Dinner – 3 eyes from Irish potatoes (diced).
Thursday
Breakfast – Half ounce strained unflavored jello with one peeled grape.
Lunch – Half dozen poppy seeds.
Dinner – Bee’s knees and mosquito knuckles sauté with vinegar.
Friday
Breakfast – Two lobster antennae.
Lunch – One guppy fin.
Dinner – Fillet of soft shelled crab claw.
Saturday
Breakfast – Four chopped banana seeds.
Lunch – Broiled butterfly liver.
Dinner – Jellyfish vertebrae a la bookbinder.
Sunday
Breakfast – Pickled hummingbird tongues.
Lunch – Prime ribs of tadpole and aroma of empty custard pie plate.
Dinner – Tossed paprika and clover leaf (one).
Notice: All meals to be eaten under microscope to avoid extra portions.
Good luck with this diet my friends.
You have now met my Mom, whose sense of humor was one of her most remarkable traits.
She is long gone to her better place, but comes back to me in strange and wonderful ways.
Silhouette of successful weight loss figure from www.fatlossmentality.com .
Wow, that’s one tough diet… 🙂
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Well Dora its nice you think of us trying to lose weight but I don’t think I could stick to that diet at all. I’d waste away to nothing.
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I love that. What a great sense of humour. I bet you feel better now too.
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I feel lighter now and that’s for sure! 🙂 Light hearted maybe.
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You are so welcome Rita. After all, what are friends for? 🙂
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LOL! 🙂 🙂
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Just reading that makes you lose your appetite, Dor. Pickled hummingbird tongues…NO!!!!!!!! I love those little fellas. 🙂
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Ha! I think I’ll pass on trying out this ‘diet.’ 😀
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Oh my goodness, the entire week’s portion of food could fit into a thimble. What a wonderful way t o remember your mother. Yes our parents come back in such mysterious and funny ways. thanks for sharing
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🙂 Thank you tigerlilly.
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Can’t say as I blame you really. 🙂
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Poor little hummers… I wouldn’t do that either Jill.
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This made me laugh out loud! Thank you so much for sharing your mothers humor. Julie
_____
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Too funny!
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I don’t think it is a diet I could stick to – no chocolate!
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This diet is as realistic as those that I see!
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WOW!
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WOW. can’t wait to try it, r maybe not.
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That is too funny Dor but very appropriate for me today after going out for supper with old high school friends last night and pigging out. I thought I was going to break the scales this morning LOL.
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Well, I guess we now know where your humor gene came from! 😉
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Thanks Julie. Mom was definitely the most fun and she had a contagious laugh too.
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I must agree. Such a diet might even be palatable with the addition of copious amounts of chocolate! 🙂
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Hahaha! And that’s a fact coastalcrone. Some of the diets out there are awesomely odd. 🙂
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🙂
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I decided on the “maybe not” route. 🙂 Thanks Judith. As always we are “together” yet so far away.
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I feel the same way this evening Cindy… just got back from youngest gandgirl’s high school graduation. Ate all the wrong things and too much of them. Reality will set in soon. 😦 🙂
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I have this funny feeling you have the humor gene too Eliza, but awfully glad if you recognize it in me too. 🙂 Thank you.
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How fortuitous that I should be on yet another diet and stumble upon this wonderful road map to thinness. Love your Mom’s sense of humor – and yours. Thank you. 😉
I’m sharing this on my Facebook page for other struggling dieters to benefit from.
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My favorite kind of liver…
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Thank you for sharing the funny diet Judy! My Mom would have been thrilled to add so many smiles.
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LOL! I love the imagination someone had to come up with it. “Bee’s knees and mosquito knuckles sauté with vinegar.” – priceless.
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My guess is the diet is pretty old too….
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